Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem
A simple, sincere compliment is all it takes.
By: Dr. Michele Borba
Q: My child has had a tough school year and it really had an impact on his self-esteem. He says such negative things about himself and it just crushes me. What’s the best way to build his self-esteem?
-Ingrid J., Little Rock, Arkansas
A: When my two youngest children were preschoolers, we had a family trauma: our youngest son, Zach, was the same height as our middle son, Adam. The comments from strangers, “Oh, what cute twins!” were certainly not boosting Adam’s confidence. In fact, his self-esteem was taking a steep nose-dive. Why would any five-year-old want anyone to think his three-year-old brother was his twin? To help him recognize Adam’s own special qualities, I began focusing on a physical attribute that was uniquely his. It wasn’t hard: Adam has gorgeous blue eyes,w hich is quite unusual for our brown-eyed family. So, over the next few weeks I began intentionally complimenting his asset. I did make sure my praise was genuine (my son really does have beautiful eyes), and I just quietly reminded him of his asset once or twice a day.
“Oh Adam, your eyes are so beautiful.” Or: “We’re so lucky to have a little boy with such pretty blue eyes.”
My husband came on board: “Hey, do you think that great-looking, blued-eyed kid of mine wants to shoot some hoops with me?”
His grandparents were brought into the plan, too: “How’s my grandson with the gorgeous blue eyes?”
Even his brothers began introducing him as, “The brother with the great eyes.”
It wasn’t until the first day of kindergarten about three weeks later that I knew Adam really believed our praise. He came home that day literally bouncing.
“How was school, Adam?” I asked.
“Oh, it was so great, Mom!” he said. Without missing a beat, he added, “Somebody must have told the teacher about my beautiful blue eyes.”
I paused, a bit startled (I certainly hadn’t said anything to his teacher) and asked, “Why do you think so, Adam?”
“Oh, she knows all right,” he explained. “She made sure I sit everyday at the blue table every day—probably to match my blue eyes!”
And he barreled out the door with a smile that could light the world. I knew then he’d added another new positive image inside himself forever. I also discovered a simple way to boost a child’s self-esteem: -- identify a legitimate asset or talent in your child that deserves recognition and remind him of that asset until he can remind himself. At that point he’s internalized the positive image.
I’ve since used the same self-esteem building strategy with dozens of children I’ve taught or counseled. I’ve also shared it with hundreds of parents in my workshops over the years. I can’t tell you how often I’ve received an email from a mom saying: “I never believed that tip would work until I tried it. What a difference it has made on my child’s self-esteem and behavior.”
Here is how you can use a simple parenting secret to unlocking children’s awareness of their personal talents and boosting their self-esteem. Just remember to use the makeover tip about a minute a day for at least 21 days to achieve the best results.
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