When my eldest daughter, Olivia, neared 2, she started hitting me. All sorts of injustices could elicit a serious whack from my formerly angelic child – announcing it was bath time, say, or my wearing the wrong shade of lipstick. Being an enlightened mother, I checked my impulse to swat back; instead, I said, "We don't hit people" and told her to use her words.

Eventually, the smacking ceased, but the emphasis on words backfired. Olivia would creep up on me, and in a subdued voice she'd confess: "Mommy, I want to hit you."

The way kids express anger evolves much as they do, from uncivilized to articulate. And although it's one of the most unsettling emotions a parent can deal with, childhood wrath is as natural (and useful) an emotion as love. "Anger can serve an important function – it's energizing. When we're mad about something, it can help us solve a problem. It's the same for kids," says John Lochman, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology at the University of Alabama and a specialist in youth aggression.

So don't tell your little one that she shouldn't flare up, no matter how inconsequential the matter seems to you. But neither should she be allowed to express her anger by becoming aggressive or hysterical. Watch your own temper too – if you shout and curse every time another driver cuts you off, why shouldn't your child do the same when she's upset?

Luckily, you can teach kids constructive ways to let off steam, starting from infancy.

Whether it's anger or frustration, infants have only one major tool to express any kind of negative feeling: crying. And the most frequent tear trigger is having their needs go unmet.

Keep personality in mind. Some kids, like some adults, are naturally more hot-tempered, while others require a lot to set them off. (In fact, up until age 5, temperament is the biggest factor in how easily a child gets mad.) Once you've identified your child's specific triggers, sometimes you can avoid over-stimulating him or doing things that will upset him. At the very least, it'll help you keep his short fuse in perspective.

Talk about it. Trying to reason with a baby will get you nowhere, but it's never too early to empathize. "Let's say you're strapping your seven-month-old into his car seat, which he hates, and he starts screaming," says Suzanne Stutman, a mother of three, a family therapist, and the director of the Institute for Mental Health Initiatives at the George Washington University , in Washington , DC . “Say, ‘I know how much you hate the car seat and I don't blame you, but I need to keep you safe.' He won't understand what you're saying, but he'll sense your tone. And it will set him up for expressing himself verbally in the future.”

Try distraction. Olivia's 21-month-old sister, Lucy, dislikes being confined in her stroller, but food is a good way to get her to cooperate. I'll ask her, “Want some Veggie Booty? If you sit, I'll get some for you.” Toys usually work too.