Dealing With Mean Girls
Lending an Ear and a Hand
By Mary Dixon LeBeau
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To help a tween stung by the queen bees, experts suggest the following:
• Build a strong mom-daughter relationship. “Intervening may be less than helpful, but it’s important for the mom to share her concerns,” says Matt Lundquist, LMSW and director of The Social Therapy Group. It helps build a parent-child relationship in which your input will be welcomed.
• Be empathetic. Realize your daughter is being pulled in different directions, and she needs you to understand the situation she’s in. She will be more willing to accept your guidance if she feels you understand.
• Be a good role model. Many mean girls learn to domineer and manipulate because they see it work at home. Tweens are testing the waters of adult relationships, and your own interactions are the ones they see closely. If you want a child who is sensitive to others, don’t be the mom who gossips or acts inappropriately.
• Encourage socializing with other peers. If necessary, have her friends over or volunteer to drive them somewhere to learn more about the girls – and which friendships should be encouraged.
• Teach kindness. Ask your daughter how she would feel being on the receiving end of the meanness.
Never underestimate the power of a peer group. “A child’s peer group has immense influence over their personal, social, and academic development because kids emulate the behavior of their peers,” says Shannon Hutton, M. Ed., M.P.A. “For example, children who hang around kids who value education are more likely to attend college themselves. On the other hand, children who hang around kids who tease, lie, and cheat are more likely to engage in those behaviors.”
Therefore, be vigilant and dissuade your child from socializing with the mean girls – or becoming one herself. “It is imperative that parents do what they can, within reason, to promote positive peer relationships,” Hutton adds. Popularity may seem important, but your tween should know that values like kindness, empathy, and true friendship based on shared interests – not meanness – are true character builders that will last a lifetime.
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