Dealing With Mean Girls
Cliques and Popularity
By Mary Dixon LeBeau
In this article:
Q: “My daughter is 11 years old, and being popular is all that really matters to her and the girls in her grade. Because of this desire, she has started hanging with a group of girls who can be, for lack of a better word, mean. I have noticed that they sometimes make plans with her, but cancel at the last minute. Additionally, when they are out in a group, she seems to be the one lagging behind. When I have tried to talk to my daughter about her friends, she doesn’t want to listen to my opinion. Should I let her learn her own lesson with these girls, or step in and put an end to her relationship with these girls?”
A: Ah, the “Mean Girls.” The “Queen Bee” and her sidekicks, who seem to rule the school with their popularity, their power, and their perfect hair-cuts and wardrobes. The hierarchy in junior high society has always included that upper level, those who looked down their noses at others and seemed to bond over their mutual disdain for those who didn’t quite match their ilk. After all, one defining purpose of an elusive, much admired “in-group” is that others are left out.
I remember in my own younger days when the pretty girl who went on to be homecoming queen, and her closest cronies, made life miserable for those who didn’t meet their standard of perfection. They’d mock those who didn’t wear the same clothes, tease those who were more awkward with teachers (and, later, boys) and raise a meaningful eyebrow when they noticed your latest pimple.
In recent years, it seems these cliques are getting younger – and meaner. “It appears at this age, being mean is confused with being confident,” says Mary Robbins, LCSW and mother of a tween.
According to a 2005 Brigham Young University study, girls as young as three or four will use peer pressure or manipulation to get what they want. As study co-author Craig Hart explains, “It could range from leaving someone out to telling their friends not to play with someone to saying, ‘I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party.’” But if this type of interaction starts so early, what is a parent to do to stop it?
“When learning is involved, why wouldn’t you intervene?” says Wendy Ludlow, licensed clinical social worker and play therapist supervisor in NYC. “Would you stand by if your child was having trouble learning how to read? Sometimes we forget that children learn social skills just like they learn academic skills.”
“In social situations, your child’s emotional well-being (self-confidence, identity formation, and social problem solving ability) is at risk. Intervening can be tricky, but letting a tween “learn her lesson” in a possibly inappropriate social dynamic is risky at best. If she lacks the skills to intervene on her own behalf, it is likely she will get hurt, and long term damage is possible,” Ludlow says.
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