My Child Won't Talk To Me!
By: Mary Dixon LeBeau
Q: My child is 11 years old and for some reason, I cannot get him to speak to me. He always answers with "yes," "no," or "I don't know," even when I ask him a question that warrants a longer response. He won't engage in conversation with me and I feel that by not talking, we are losing our mother/son connection. What can I do to?
A: It’s almost like a fairy tale, isn’t it? “Once upon a time there was a toddler who drove his mother crazy by asking questions all the time. “Why, mommy, why?” he’d ask, and no answer seemed good enough. Just when the mother thought she couldn’t take another inquisition, an ogre named Puberty showed up and cast a spell on the child, making him unable to speak in anything but monosyllabic grunts. This was even more maddening than the endless questioning, but the mother and child were doomed to a life in the land of incommunicado. And they all lived silently ever after.”
Of course, that’s a rather simplified summary of what is happening – and fortunately, the real ending doesn’t have to be so unhappy. There is a way out of the “land of incommunicado” – but first, let’s explore how you got there in the first place.
“Around the age of 12, boys and girls are struggling with competing needs to enjoy childish pursuits and explore increasing independence,” says Melanie J. Davis, M.Ed. and author of Sexuality Talking Points: A Guide to Thoughtful Conversations Between Parents and Children.
“Just as their bodies are changing, so are their brains – literally, they are making new neurological connections and thinking in new ways,” Davis adds. “There are added pressures as their peers go through similar changes. Friendships change and sexual interests increase, triggering another set of concerns. Adolescents have a lot on their plates, the least compelling of which is keeping their parents in the loop,” Davis says.
But – because of all those changes – it is more important than ever to keep the channels of communication open. Sounds like a classic catch-22, but you can help nurture communication with your tween. How? Give him opportunity to talk about the things that interest him – and do it without judging or criticizing, if possible.
“I find it really important to remember that tweens are not adults,” says Jay Handler, the president of SellPhone Marketing, and the father of four sons.
Handler says that keeping that in mind helped him to keep the lines of communication open with his boys, ages 17, 14, 13, and 10. “Tweens are selfish communicators. You can talk to them best by listening to them. Too many parents shut their kids out because they want to talk about video games or sports or whatever interests them. The first step to losing touch with your kid is forgetting they still want you to watch them make a big splash in the pool…and that it’s important for you to turn around, and watch, and react.”
Other communication tips include:
• Choose to Converse, Not to Confront. “Most of our interactions with our kids are when we’re standing over them, barking commands. This can be intimidating and upsetting,” says Kirk Martin, director of education at www.celebratecalm.com. “Instead, try assuming a calm pose when you talk to your tween. Sit with your feet up. It immediately relaxes you and makes lecturing feel stupid. Plus now you’re on eye level with your tween and you’re communicating.” But Martin says you shouldn’t insist on eye contact. “Telling your child to “look at me when I’m talking to you” is a surefire way to get them to shut down inside.”
• Ask Your Child’s Opinion. And Then Listen. This is tougher than it sounds, says Bonnie Russell of www.1st-Pick.com. “You need to listen without judgment. So when kids say something outrageous or completely out of whack, the parent can practice keeping their facial expressions passive and interested.” Judgment (in words or expression) will shut the door to conversation, so practice your poker face.
• Listen to Yourself. Specifically, listen to your tone when you speak to your child. “Do you sound whiny? Does your tone express impatience or frustration? Is your manner of speaking making the child feel wrong?” asks Bob Lancer, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Make sure that the end of the conversation helps your child trust that you understand and care about him – no matter what he’s saying.
• A Sense of Humor Goes a Long Way in Keeping the Conversation Light – and Flowing. “I just try to keep the conversation going as best I can, make a joke about wanting more than just a text messaging relationship with them, and ask questions that I hope will elicit more than just the one-word answer,” says Judy Gruen, mom of 4 and author of The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement. “If that fails, I tell them about my day and ask them "what do you think of that?" or "What would you have done about this?"” Again, seeking their opinion is key.
• Remember Today’s Teens Do Not Communicate in the Same Methods You Used When Growing Up. “Did you have a cell phone, Facebook, or even a computer?” asks Handler. Try to speak to them using their favorite methods. “There’s nothing wrong with sending your child a text message or an email every once in a while. If nothing else, it might make you almost cool enough to respond to.
• Apologize When You’re Wrong. If you can verbally acknowledge your own mistakes, your tween will realize she can make some too – and she’ll open up about them (and everything else) more readily.
• Speak Indirectly. If your tween isn’t comfortable saying things aloud, communicate through journal entries. Shirley VanScoyk, stepmom of three, remembers even using the family pet. “I once said to my foster daughter who didn’t talk much, “The dog wants to know why you’re sad today.” She laughed, and that actually started a very important conversation. The dog, she, and I sat on the sofa and talked for more than an hour.”
And if the dog doesn’t work? Well, remember giving your son a cookie if he successfully went potty? Here’s a secret: reinforcement still works. Schedule time to talk, provide a special snack, and let your child know how much you appreciate him - especially when he communicates clearly with you. A strategic “I love you,” at the end of the conversation may be all it takes to assure you’ll have many more.
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