Balance with the Biological Father

"A biological father can make the connection between stepdad and [child] easier or more difficult depending on whether they want to strengthen it or mark their territory," says Klopfer. "The dad may feel, 'He's my son; you can't have him.'"

If you're a stepdad grappling with this situation, try to understand why the biological father might feel threatened. Rather than competing, honor your stepchild's relationship with his father.

Kevin Ricker, a licensed professional counselor in Sylvania, Ohio, who raised four stepchildren of his own, understands the importance of accepting that primitive bond. After Ricker taught his stepson how to drive, he took him to his driver's test. His stepson passed the test, then asked Ricker if he could borrow the family car to show his father he could drive.

"He couldn't wait to show his dad, even though his stepdad had taught him," Ricker says. At that moment, Ricker reminded himself that he needed to honor his stepson's relationship with his father.

Be Honest with Your Partner and Yourself

"I believe men who choose to re-partner with women who have children have the need for a family connection. They want to be part of something, as opposed to being on the outside," Klopfer says, explaining that if stepdads feel like they're on the outside—which is common in new stepfamilies—they also often feel useless.

"They feel especially alone and powerless if they have no biological children of their own. And they often don't know how to acknowledge or communicate these feelings," he adds.

"I think if the stepdad can say to his new wife, 'I feel powerless here,' rather than criticizing her children, his wife will be able to listen more effectively," Klopfer explains. Acknowledging their feelings helps stepdads form closer connections with their new stepfamily members. It's also helpful to discuss these feelings with people outside the new stepfamily, he advises.

"It's really useful to have someone outside the immediate family to talk to about what is going on—someone in the stepfather's camp who is an ally. That could be an uncle, father, therapist or buddy," says Balcom.