Understand Your Role

While stepdads are sharing their feelings with buddies or therapists, it's important for them to understand that stepfamilies aren't like nuclear families, says Dr. Margorie Engel, PhD, former president and CEO of the Stepfamily Association of America, based in Lincoln, Nebraska. That means stepdads shouldn't try to replace biological dads. They should view themselves as an "extra" parent, she says.

Rather than embracing this view, many stepdads feel they should love their stepchildren in the same way they would love biological kids. This expectation can set them up for disappointment. "You can't immediately love someone," says Balcom. "But living in a family where you are helping to raise a child and doing all those parenting things naturally and routinely, it's easy enough to have that love develop. It takes time."

Make That Connection

To create an environment that allows love to develop, connect with your stepkids by focusing on their interests, says Klopfer. "Work with the child and don't expect him to be interested in you. Learn to relate by giving the child something they need from you," he says.

For example, Balcom's stepson was very interested in music, so Balcom watched music videos with him or played guitars and drums with him. If stepdads try to connect with stepkids in this fashion, while embracing patience and empathy, they'll ultimately find ways to deepen their relationship with the children. And in doing so, they may help their stepchildren learn an important lesson: The presence of two loving men in their lives can be even better than one.